During our conversation I explained her my Apple Theory, my simple way of personal balance, a modified, accommodated version of the great Four Burners Theory. I used some small plate and toothpicks to explain the relations between the four life values, adding, shrinking, taking out of equation few of them. She was looking at this shuffling like kid at the candy store front window. I believe she like it. Indeed, few months later she admitted, that she was grabbed by this theory, and that moment was a starting point for her to get interest in me. She talked much, but at the time of explaining the theory, she was quiet. I summarized the meeting by removing the few friends she has and the job she didn’t like to leave just two burners, herself and me, commenting it by the words “You don’t have so many friends here, so we take them out, somehow you don’t like the job, so as you can see it gonna be only you and me here”. She was laughing.

After the sushi, she proposed a visit to a Starbucks at beautiful location at the sea. She used to go by herself. We ordered some coffee in the porcelain cups and started to talks how we fit. We looked at some serious horoscopes, just to trying find connections.

Somehow the horoscope was not favorable to us. Not much connected us. Not much to grab on. Anyway it’s just a stupid horoscope, isn’t it? Once again, lot of laugh, lot of compassion. Just to summarize, “great relation, sex and communication 100%, trust 0%, sic!”

Few months later, it proves, the trust issue is there as an demon surrounding the relationship. We went home early that day, but talked once again on the phone at the evening.

Cancer and Sagittarius – Compatibility in Sex, Love and Life

In general, in this city of sin, lot of people got hurt, being dumped or cheated. Relations became vague and week. So somewhere in the middle of everything there she was, fragile, but still open for new challenges and desires.

We talked all kind of stuff, what we like, what we dislike, like ordinary people do, when they start to date. It come to discussion about fetishes and sexual games. I started do discover that she wasn’t the ordinary girl from around the corner. She was open minded and very straight forward, the kind of woman some men would run from as being to much possessive to men’s ego.

Lot of thoughts crossed my mind, but I did not have any answers. Maybe things went to quick and she was not ready for involving in sexual relation yet. Indeed she repeated few times earlier, not to rush and that life is not always about sex She also mention something about Mr Right. Hmmm, maybe i wasn’t Mr Right after all. Yet.

Cherie was somehow happy about moving forward, being more independent and maybe to start something new on her own. Anyway, i had the feeling that things are not right. Something changed pretty drastically after that night few days ago. I was not sure if she need time or she has another thoughts. She came even with idea to move back to home country. Additionally she had second thoughts about our relation. All this made her stressed and she was full of mixed feelings at that time. I tried to uphold the conversation and to cheer her up. All in vain, she was fading away.

“Good Morning.

There is a deep reason behind why I cant commit with the relationship. You dont know me and there are a lot of things you still dont know about me. And I am really “AFRAID” bcoz I have been traumatized of the feeling that after using me, Dumping me like a shit after. I am someone who take relationship seriously and once i am in there that’s it.

A lot of secrets you dont know still, and I am willing to open myself to you but I am scared that you might dump as well like what others did. When I told you to take it slow, its bcoz I want you to get to know me, and dig deep my darkest secrets and What I want to see from you is your willingness to accept me and my past.

I cant commit in the relation when I am not fully 100% open to you. And the process of opening myself is like a remembering/recalling the nightmares and bad experiences that I had from the past. Its not easy to recall something that damage you from the beginning… and who I am today is still a damage person bcoz I always met people whom I trusted to help me get through it, they will stay from the start but will eventually dump me when they know how damage I am.

Commit now, and dump me on the process. So Im more cautious this time, bcoz heartbreaks is damaging me even more. Its not only about finances… after few relationship from the past….this is about something in my head that traumatized me and That I need to guard my heart this time. I trust so easily for that reason people took advantage of me…. telling me there promises but will dump me later after using me for sex.

What you have known about me is not just 50% of myself. If I will tell you more, I dont know if you still want me after. Take it slow, Its not easy opening your darkpast to someone.”

With each day I started to see her fall down and her resignation. I did not understand why things are like that, why she was heading towards self destruction. That day, which I realized far later, she was escaping, backing off, exiting or running away from relation as an remedy for the issues. It was a sad day, but somehow fight for her must go on.