At 3:31am she dropped a long message, blaming me once again for being cold. Sure, maybe I was, as this was my protest against her behavior and her mental separation from me. After all, she was the one not having time with me, running away and flattening our relation to a French pancake thickness. Knowing now what happened few days later, I stand still in my opinion that I was right and she was looking for an exit by that time. How could I be warm, when she was distant as well and cold as me. She didn’t see it. She changed, very much and her mind was split.

We were in constant misalignment, permanent disagreement which led to verbal fight. I wanted my old good Cherie back, but she was immune to my calls. I was traveling by that time, as end of year approached and the time was there to catch up in the work. She was at home looking for next pageant. She felt dormant and she stroke it few times. She didn’t want to be a house wife, but on the other hand the plan we looked into, in the early days was not even touched by her. We planned at some point that she will develop the skills in the makeup and creativity business. She had an ambitious plan to visit most of the saloons and places related to that business and try to get position as an supporting freelancer. It could be of interest especially for ad-hoc events and at special occasion when the workforce was needed. She supposed to get the business cards and work on her facebook page, maybe even get an own domain and small website. Two months past and she did nothing of this, but she was good at blaming me for all the evil. Suddenly from being supportive and taking her out from the deep shit of her live, by solving her issues, she seen me as the bad guy. The change was gradual, but constant. Each day she pushed me each day the ration faded, despite my calls. She even tried to tell me that. I’m the one not taking initiative to have a conversation. Sure, this was very convenient, and she believed in it. She even started to question the Apple Theory and stated it’s not longer balanced. I don’t know how she got to that conclusion, but at that time every scenario was possible. She was looking for excuses, but I was to pure in my naïve way of trust to give her any reason to walk away.

For sure Giuseppe was pushing her, or maybe the other way. Maybe she was creating all the pictures of her and her new family with Giuseppe. Maybe he just followed her way, or rather enjoyed the free ride, awaiting the outcome. She was still living with me, visiting him at nights and days when I was traveling. For a guy like Giuseppe, almost idealistic situation, having a nice Chica coming and going, making his dick and ago happy. Why, not? Who wouldn’t like it?

We went to the pool on the roof of the apartment building. Weather was still nice and water in jacuzzi hot as always. I was into my iPad and she was chilling out. Each of us occupied with own thoughts and own agenda. Me reading the emails, she with her head up in the clouds, probably thinking about another outfit for the coming week or maybe about Giuseppe, God knows. We have been like two individuals joining one space. The conversation was not existents and the feelings obsolete.

Later that afternoon we got to know that a body of young pregnant Thai girl was found just near by our place. Obviously she was resting in a dumpster for few days, but the newspaper described her as prostitute, which we got confirmed later by a Thai girlfriend of our friend. She said, that probably she was killed, caused she became pregnant with some customer and the that would not be the good news for his wife. I didn’t follow up the case, as a news is just a news and later you seldom get to know what really happened. Anyway, welcome to SinCity – things like that happen, but seldom get clarified.

Next day I was away and I know that she is going for rehearsals that evening. So, nobody to pick me up from the airport that night. A pretty sad experience, as some priorities are taking over. She is now fully with her head into pageant and me been sliding down the scale of her priorities. Once again, she came back late, not sure if directly after the rehearsals or from Giuseppe’s bad. I still was totally unaware of Giuseppe’s presence and still blame all what happened only on our temporary crisis.

Cherie was sad as well, at least she showed it that way, saying I was not supportive and didn’t want to join her contesting events. We already talked about it earlier, but each time as she touched the subject I became more immune and I started to hate the idea of her pageant contest. I’m like that. As more people try to convince me to an idea, the less I like it and the harder I’m to convince. I’m kind of a guy that needs to get a hint and then work out an own viewpoint and if I wasn’t to enjoy something I will do it my own way and in my own tempo. So, the approach she took, did not work with me, if she was more like humble and softly pushed into it, I would kick in, but not by throwing up, lack of support all the time.

November ended today and we approached new month. The month of huge changes to occur in just few days. A remembered December 2019.

Still nice weather around, not to windy, but evenings started to be cold. Same in our relation. Fight after fight and no prediction for better. After another argument I started to see the exit path Cherie created. Maybe I had time to review all of this, maybe I waken up and started to see things. She was talking about changing the dates of travel back home, but somehow the ticket couldn’t be altered due to flight tariff. So despite her request to fly earlier and came back later, I couldn’t do much.

My considerations started to rise up, by reading the history of our text exchange and analyzing her behavior. All begun to show a clear picture of Cherie wanting to walk out from the relation. I have seen clearly, that since some time she started to create obstacles, had lot of vague arguments towards me, like being cold, not hugging her, not talking to her, not being supportive. All the small issues she spinned up and she tried to feed me back with it, but magnified to extensive level. There were those arguments, but none of them actually made me the bad guy, I was faithful, I worked her issues, I supported her living and tried to create a family and harmony under one roof. All in vain, as she actually was looking for an exit. She admitted it some time later, but at that point my intuition started to build the picture.

I told her “Cherie, I feel being used”. She got mad. Really mad. Not sure, if for the reason I detected the truth or she was mad cause she didn’t fill to be using me. I gently explained her, how do I see the facts and how all builds a picture of her trying to exit the relation for unknown reason. Remember, still not aware of Giuseppe being around. She said, that saying, that she is using me is a big word and she under no circumstances wanted to use me. I said, that somehow after I paid her loan, she started to lose interest with me. Straight after that weekend, when I allegedly became cold and pissed of her she begun to be cold as well. She started to show more interest for the contest, then me. She said, it’s not true and she would never, ever use me as this is not part of her culture and she still loves me and she would not be able to take advantage over me. I wasn’t sure, but the feeling was there and facts talked for themselves. Vast part of November she was cooling our relation and I have seen her to be unhappy or rather eager to change her life, meaning exiting the present one.

She was chewing on it, she was. She shaked her head and few times, how could I accuse her of taking advantage of me. I had doubt’s, but what’s said it said. You cannot unsay it. Later that afternoon we went to see an office we were looking for to move in from January. The place was nice and I took a picture of Cherie seating at the windows facing the bay. A lone girl at the windows. I sent her the picture.

Cherie was focused on the pageant and on conversation with some other girls, but somehow her preparations stopped. I asked, and she hesitate. Eventually she admitted that she has been banned or rather disqualified from the contest, as she went into argument of convince the other participants from not contesting during the coming weeks. She used arguments, as the contest is going week after week for 3 months is too much and maybe the organizer would reschedule some events, especially for the incoming Christmas travel period. Some of the competitors overheard this and whist blow it to the organizer. Four girls got the kick, among them Cherie. She then went into some nasty conversation with one of the organizers and rest of the story you can imagine. I was surprised, but on the other hand that could be an opportunity for us recover and rebuild the last weeks of tensions.

She tried to complain, and use some common sense in explaining herself, but they did not listen to her. As I still was fighting for the relation, I missed a very clear statement from her saying “There is a sponsor for this pageant. The money i spent for this event is not coming from you”. Still in my stupidity and my trust for her, despite the clear signals, I did not suspect her conspiracy plan with Giuseppe. I believed that the real sponsors of that competition are putting money for the contestants, but I. did not know that one of them was Giuseppe. He took care of all the issues related to her participation, but he was not able to unfuck the mess she created with sabotaging the contest. So she was out of it and the only way to her to participate was to watch the other girls from the side bench.

The tension was too high, she got irritated with every single thing. Our text exchange went down to zero and we just bypass each other. Cherie was in another world and me hopeless, unable to fix her. As I could repair and sail always home from the rough waters, this time I could not. She send me a post send by some other girl, about the never happen marriage and I started to understand, that we are going nowhere. I had difficulties to absorb it. It was heavy, as I have seen the end of the path, lam, unable to do anything. Things gonna explode any minute. She was fading away, and once again I had to travel.

The hell broke just before midnight, when I got back from my trip. She wasn’t waiting at the airport, but she said earlier I will find her home. All day was moody and it started already bad. We got into discussion about present situation. Why she felt being housewife and me not being supportive. Obviously this was the day, when everything gonna end, where she already find her future without me. Still away from her, still during my trip I could sense it. All the days that past since we met in August were lost, she will walk away, I know it and there is no return.

Even today, writing about the events of that December day is heavy. I still see it all, all the fight, all the good time and the errors and mistakes. The story ends here and the only thing I can hope is to absorb it. I did lose few women, being dumped before, but this one is heavy. When we had the good days, the relation and harmony was perfect, even when she was hesitating. Even when she was absorbed by Bananas closeness. Still looking for answers, “Why” I couldn’t find the real reason for her to leave me. All was too blurry and unclear in terms of her exile.

In the conversation she didn’t even hide the willingness to walk away. There was no more “honey” or “I love you”. It was the final phase of the path ending in the termination, kind of execution of my feelings to Cherie. In a very cool, calculated and calm way she was preparing me to face this exit of her, later tonight. The only thing I was praying for was a help of God to save it, to reverse her mindset and to restore her back into the relation. I was scared. I spend last 4 months fighting for her, accepting the cheating with Giuseppe, back in September. I shown her the patience and understanding. I spend time explaining the things and I always shown her the goodness in the life. Never abused her, never raised my voice at her, never dumped her. Days and days of fight and we are at the end.

I landed back short of 11pm and went straight home. Grabbed a bottle of wine from the duty free and drove home. Everything looked fine. I found her on the bed waiting for me. I grabbed two glasses and we had a sip of wine. I started to talk, asking what is really wrong. She was silent and I wanted her to reconsider all this and get back into the relation. I could do anything at that moment, just to get her back, just to get back the old happy and beautiful Cherie. She then started to talk, that she is sorry and that she feels not good anymore in this relation. She explained that I’m being cold and that we departed from each other and that she doesn’t feel love and she chooses… Giuseppe over me. This was a cold shower. Of all the people Giuseppe? How in earth did he come into the picture. After weeks of his absence, he is back? How?

I didn’t want to hear the story. His name rang the bell, it was like a huge church bell. It means that she was around him, or he around her for the last good time we had. All pieces felled in place. The departure plan and the cooling down of the relation was caused by Giuseppe’s pressure on her. He was the one who poisoned her, and he was the evil. The bad guy taking my love, my Cherie from my arms. This was too much for me. She was once again cheating on me and she betrayed me for the last time. Whatever It costs, I was done with her. How much I need to sorrow, I will. In a very calm way, I went to the closet, grabbed a bag and went with it to the bathroom and started to pack her things. One item by one, I packed her cosmetics, her clothes, her other belongings, all the way until last item. No trace could be left of her. All has to go; no single memory may stay in the house. It took me 40 minutes, only 40 minutes to remove 4 months of common life and 4 months of memories. I wanted her out of the apartment, now. She was grabbing the bags and moved them to elevator. I went down with her and packed most of it into the car. Asked her to came back for the rest whenever she wants.

I also asked the guy from security to cancel her key card and not allow her into the building. She went away, and I didn’t even look back, like I did at the day of my first mistake. I called Peter and told him briefly what happened, He arrived around 1am and we grabbed a bottle of vodka. House was empty, except few of her bags waiting for her to be picked up some other day. Terrible empty. When I went to the bathroom, I’ve seen only my items. The space occupied by her belongings was gone. It was a devastating picture, etched in my mind until today.

The security called some time later, that Cherie arrived and wanted to go up. I talked to her and she said she wanted take rest of the belongings today and leave the car and walk away for good. She came up, looking very sad, but irresistible and firm in her decision. She took all the remaining bags and said “I’m sorry”, I replied “No, you are not”. I helped her down the elevator and then to lobby. Giuseppe was waiting there in the car, not even helping her to bring the bags from the lobby to the car. I saw her there for the last time and I went back to the elevator for my journey up. December 6^th has started and I gave Giuseppe a great gift just on the Santa Clause day. I delivered him my lovely Cherie right into his doorstep. I stopped to fight, I gave up. It proved to be my last mistake.

Good Afternoon, I’m really sorry for happened. I know you wont forgive me now, but I believe you have a good heart, you might not forgive me now but I hope in the future you will. I’d loved you, but things fall apart and I realized we are two different person.

I have emotional needs that somehow wasn’t met. And a secured feeling that I am the only one, and not sharing with anyone. The impact of not getting rid of her played a lot of thoughts in my head..what I see was you want me to accept the situation that she’s there, than I’m here…I started to feel unhappy about it, and I can no longer pretend.

I didn’t blame you for not having an interest with my pageant, but the shark were just around, if you somehow showed your support with me, the shark couldn’t get near. And then there I found that the shark was being supportive and showed care.

1st, 2nd, 3rd and 4th Friday of pageant, I never failed to invite you to come with me.

I somehow need you to protect me, but you’re not interested in it. The lack of support from you, and protection is The reason the shark managed to get in into my head. And then there feelings fall apart.

I didn’t mean to hurt you, the shark is not bad as I thought, the shark that once you stabbed from death by taken me from him, was just there, waiting to heal and come back when the time is right.

Sorry for being weak, and I let the shark took me again.

He had me first, and you somehow invade his home took his queen by the thought that helping her with problems and manipulating her mind that with you is FREEDOM, and him is cage. Unfortunately, its the opposite of what the situation of today.

Again, I am sorry if I hurt your feelings.

The shark just taken what was his from the beginning. He was wounded, but come back strong and his love becomes more open, understanding and patience.

Grey, I didn’t want you to feel being used…I had loved you… we were once happy, never of those love making was fake, it was intense and with pure feelings.

I don’t want to carry any guilt inside me, with you having the thought of being used when its not.

I never used you, It was just Love was not strong enough as it was, when the support and care was no longer felt by me.

Please allow us to return your money back. So all of us can move forward and move on with new life.

God bless You

Cherie

I woke up with huge hangover. Me and Peter were drinking till early hours, having some memories of the good times with Cherie. He knew her as well, as we have been together in the SinCity pretty much from the same time. Technically I’m his supervisor and Initially the relation was more like boss/employee, but with time passed we got more social and started to build friendship on top of business relation. I don’t know what kind of boss I’m in his eyes, but he at few occasions compared me to a mix of Richard Branson/Steve Jobs, for my informal way of dressing and light lifestyle connected to beauty and caring for details. Maybe not in the pedantic way, but definitely in geometrical space and order.

Anyway, he was a good friend and at the beginning Cherie called him “assistant”. Later, especially after the accident, she found his good abilities to negotiate, get involved and simply being helpful. Contrary to myself, being less social with people and very, very peculiar in selecting so called friends. Probably until today I can really trust maybe 2-3 people on the Earth, making my life miserable, as the amount of data my brain process in terms of not only analyzing the topic itself, but also by detecting the agenda of people around. Through the years in the business I learned that people are very reluctant to confabulation and telling other people what they want to hear rather than bare facts. We all try to hide our incompetence and improperness rather then bend our head and simply admit Mea Culpa. After so many years I still have doubts, if I’m able to make right choices in selecting employees to my team or in general in judging the people. On the other hand I have to admit, I had luck in selecting my life partners, where the relations were pretty long and fruitful. I do not regret any of those and I consider myself pretty lucky.

I told Peter about all this and probably more, which I’m not sure I do remember today. I was confused how all this could happen where Cherie was misleading me and simply deceived me. How was I so naïve and so blind not to see her coming exile? How was this possible, that with all the goodness from my side she chooses Giuseppe? What did he offer to her? I didn’t know. It was a shock. She was co calm and controlled herself in the end, like a plastic surgeon in front of the task to re-make a face of a celebrity. Despite her unhappiness, I didn’t see any other signals to so abrupt departure.

After the explanations she wrote, I was more then devastated. This was very genuine letter and explanation. So true. She started to use “US” referring to her and Giuseppe. It seems he did his job in gathering himself and he scored full, getting back Cherie. As long she was resisting him, by not moving in, I DID deliver her to him. She entrusted him and he was the lucky one now. By kicking her out of the apartment I put a spark into their relation, a start point. I was crying all weekend, fucked up few things in the office, but I was lam and unable to rise. Peter took me to our night club to meet some Thai girls, but the only thing I could think about is Cherie and none around was even close to her personality and beauty. I could throw up on all the Thai hookers, not mention a fuck which was at the end of my desires those days.

I read her letter few times, I even sent it to my daughter explaining all the situation asking her how genuine is it? She admitted that it looks fine and as much she knows Cherie and me, Cherie’s objections towards me could be true. My daughter pointed my earlier mistakes even with her mother and later, so it seems I did not change at all and still didn’t learn the lessons from previous relations. I put a note in my head, that I need to have a serious father-daughter conversation at some point. Actually, we had one later in December. So, to speak I started to draw a replay. I took me few hours to conclude.

This afternoon we exchanged few long messages. I tried to understand her, but my brain was not absorbing anything else. I got even more confused, after the replay for my long message I wrote last afternoon. In a calm way I explained myself and all my rational and probably irrational actions behind. I produced really beautiful, genuine and “true, only true, nothing but the true” piece of paper and sent it to her. She replied some time after with another long letter. I sent it my daughter once again, as it sounds completely different then the first one. Like two different people were writing it. As one came from Dr. Jekyll and the other from Mr. Hyde. There was nothing consistent between both of them, except they were referring to the same relation and break up. My daughter was also confused and suggested one of them was written under influence of Giuseppe, while the other was true. We concluded the later one has to be true as the first one referred to “US”, meaning she and him was composing it. Few weeks later I learned the opposite.

I replied with “Cherie, I can only ask you to return and take lesson of this. How fucked up it looks, obviously you and me have feelings. I have seen all the mistakes and i believe you did too. I’m bending my head and ask you for be with me and I will protect this relation until the end of my life.” I was now returning to the events of the night of 5/6 December that leaded to her departure. I have to admit that I made a mistake and was too quick with my actions. Remember, as soon she named Giuseppe’s name, I stared to pack her and she didn’t say a word since that until she was out of the door. Stupid me. What if it’s true? What if she really wanted to beg and ask for forgiveness? What if I was too hasty and instead of giving her time to talk and explain, I just kicked her out? All sort of questions started to build up in my head. After a while it get into my head, that I made a mistake by letting her go, instead of having patience. My intuition deceived me and that made me sad.

We got involved in further text exchange and she said, she was kicked out and didn’t know what to do with herself. If all she says is true, why she chooses to drive to Giuseppe, instead of staying somewhere else? Going to hotel, a friend or even stay in car few hours and rethink? Instead she drives away to Giuseppe direct, like previously she called him directly after accident back in October. Her explanations rise a hope within me, but how genuine are her explanations? How many times earlier she twisted things? I went to sleep and tried to understand what all this is about.