CHERIE COMMENT Step Backwards The Story

“You deserve better”

September 8, 2019 by Grey Guy 1 Comment

Sunday didn’t start well, neither ended well. She sent me a short “hello” at 6.30am following a long silence till lunch time. Still suffering from migraine, she said she can’t get out of the bed. She said that she is depressed she tries to isolate herself from anyone. She also said she is dealing with the bank issues. All this added to her stress.

Wait a moment, something didn’t add up here. Just yesterday she dropped Giuseppe or the other way, being very positive to rebuild our relation, and today she wakes up with guilt, anxiety, depression and stress. I had bad feelings. To big change in her behavior from yesterday.

At the evening it became even worse. She started to blame herself for all wrongdoing, fucking up me and him. She came to conclusion she is mentally ill and she is not able to have any kind of relation. As the conversation arise, the more I got confused, sad and angry. Once again, we are in the same pattern. Looking for reunion at the horizon and going steps back with her inability to actually kick into that relation. At the end of the day I was fed up and in a resignation, I blocked her with a goodbye message. I simply couldn’t take up more of this roller coaster mood changes, hurt feelings and waiting. I had to let her go, and so I did… Well…

1 Comment

Cherie December 15, 2019 at 13:23

The following day Sunday, Giuseppe was calling me. Saying he was sorry, he didn’t meant what he said the other night, he didn’t want the breakup, he wants me back. He was roaming and checking around the area of my building trying to find where I park my car last night, but he didn’t find it. He suspected me for sleeping with someone else as he couldn’t find my car around. Somehow his intuition was right this time, Yes! I slept with my boss.

Giuseppe asked to see me, He wanted to talk. I was driving home, and will meet him in a while. I couldn’t lie anymore as he was aware already that I didn’t slept in my apartment last night. So we’ve met! We talked

“Let’s fix this Cherie, together we will find a solution. Let me understand what is going on with you.” I want you back, but I need you to be honest with me, where did you sleep last night, I will understand if you sleep with other guy but just be honest with me?

I am confused, fear is around me, I’m scared. If I will tell him the truth, I will be dump again. So, I lied, I denied, I told him I slept with a friend who was my colleague at work “Thelma”. Though he was hesitating to believe that excuse but I don’t care anymore. I’m fed up being dump over and over, so I have to protect myself this time. Regardless if He will believe me or not doesn’t matter anymore. As a woman who were dumped for few times, I lost my trust for him and the stability of the relationship We had. He was begging and crying again, he handed over the ring back and asked me to wear it. To end the meeting with him, I accepted it back, not because I wanted it but because I am exhausted, and still suffering from my migraine, I needed to rest and sleep. I headed home but he said he wants to meet and have a lunch or dinner later, I didn’t promise him anything, I just told him if I get better later then fine, we will meet. And so we said goodbye.

As soon as I reached home, I took a shower, still feeling disgusted with my self after the night with Sir John, and then I Went to bed and I tried to get more sleep.

Mr. Grey on the other hand was still confused, He knew that Giuseppe and I was over, but what’s the hesitation of still not being ready for committing a relationship with him? what’s the issue now?

I am so disgusted with my self and what I have done earlier. I couldn’t tell him the story about what happened that night with Sir John, I don’t have the courage to tell him this, for two things.

1. He will judge me, and eventually dump me because I am not the woman he expects me to be.
2. Im afraid to lose him if he finds out the truth. its not only Giuseppe’s presence that bothers me but the threats of Sir John to cancel my visa if ever I will refuse his request.

“I am not worth it, You deserve better, I am dirty, I felt disgusted. I am not the woman you think you are, I am no better than a prostitute”.

Pity, but that’s how I look at myself from that point. I am no longer the Cherie I once knew, I don’t recognize myself anymore. The Cherie who was once Strong and independent woman, the one being respected by her colleagues, being the woman with a good reputation is now struggling and jumping with 3 men at the same time just to survive a living in the Sin City. Fucked it! But that’s how It is.

Despite of the developing feelings for Mr. Grey, I can not be with Him, I am not a clean woman. I am not the woman he expected I was. I don’t deserve him.
And so he blocked me that night, he couldn’t accept my excuses anymore.

That made me sad. I am devastated of everything that’s going on with me. Maybe I deserve it, I deserve to suffer. But I need to remain strong, I need to be strong.